A Satire


            Itchy neck? Swollen ear lobes? Hair growing too darn fast? There is an easy-to-swallow solution for all such ailments, and it is becoming increasingly common to encounter lengthy advertisements for these prescription drugs while flipping through any Home and Garden or Kid's Playhouse magazine. One's precious reading time is often consumed by the eye-catching ads that are so prevalent in today's most popular periodicals. Just the other day, I was captivated by a two page advertisement for Xypho (a cute, shortened version of the drug's scientific name: Xyphonauticusorangejuice), which is proven to slightly ease the pain of some gastrointestinal disorders when taken in conjuction with rigorous exercise and a vegetarian diet! As the reader may well understand, I found the drug superbly relevant and appealing but  had a difficult time finding the medication's list of potentially harmful side effects amidst its  mammoth list of restorative powers (I eventually discovered that I couldn't take Xypho because I have blonde hair and a history of breathing). In fact, reading through the fine print really began to hurt my eyes, so I took some of my eyesight medication. When I suggested to my friend that they put more prescription drug advertisements on television (so that they're less distracting and time-consuming for the average reader), he told me that such commercials are already commonplace! I guess I hadn't noticed.
            Frankly, I appreciate what these massive pharmaceutical empires are doing for the common man by keeping us informed of the latest breakthroughs in medical technology. If they weren't constantly bombarding us with advertisements, who would be left to point us in the right direction and get us help? Doctors?! Give me a break. I went to the doctor just last week for my insomnia and he tried recommending some knock-off brand of sleep medication, as if I was ignorant! Fortunately, I had just seen six different advertisements for Ambien during my favorite show on TV the night before (I started paying closer attention, and my friend was right), so I knew which was the best drug for me.
            With many medicines becoming household names, most people are merely turning to friends, family, and neighbors for solutions to their extremely personal conditions. I don't hesitate to recommend Aricept to any senior citizen that I encounter, and it isn't uncommon for me to deliver a panygeric for Lipitor in casual conversation with my friends. If each city would simply provide free public training classes on how to write prescriptions, this could be the solution to the national shortage of doctors!
            Of course, with so many variables involved, prescription drug companies have been known to goof at times and forget to include a side effect or two, resulting in another campaign that I must applaud: lawsuit commercials. It puts my mind at ease to know that there are so many virtuous lawyers in this country intent on looking out for the innocent victims of the world's largest “drug dealers.” It always encourages me to hear stories of multi-million dollar lawsuits being won by the humble, desperate sufferers of the unforseen traumas caused by toxicly potent, yet seemingly innocent, drugs. Lawyers remind me of modern day superheroes, and their simple, nine-digit phone numbers are each citizen's lifeline when in distress. It is for this reason that I have an entire phone book devoted to holding the phone numbers of every TV lawyer I see.
            All things considered, one need not be afraid of sickness and disease in today's scientific age. There's a healing drug for virtually every problem and a compensating medication for its side effects. Drug companies keep us thoroughly informed of the latest miracle medications and lawyers of their malevolence (though their audiences may be miniscule). And while I could go on and on in praise of the prescription drug industry and the thoroughly educated body of consumers that it caters to, I am a bit drowsy from my depression medication and feel I must retire. Now where did I put the Ambien...

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